Hidden Aspects of My Life

This entry will talk about all the things I deal with internally (mentally and physically) on a daily basis. It may contain explicit (more so gruesome details about my bodily functions) material. Parental discretion is advised.

 First off, people hide things more than we would like to believe. People hide bad things like abuse, pain, and guilt, and they hide good things, like achievements (in order to not be made fun of), good grades (so they aren't called a geek, and the joy of life/being pregnant (so they won't be judged).

   Personally, I hide my pain. I'm an 18 year old, married woman, and I have Fibromyalgia. I always thought Fibromyalgia was an "old person" illness. Contrary to popular belief, it is most common in women of child-bearing age and beyond, but can also occur in teens, children, and men of all ages. 

I am in pain all the time, 24/7. No breaks, no time-outs. For those of you who don't believe or understand I will post a few links at the bottom of the blog, about understanding this pain. I'll do my best to explain how I feel on a daily basis, but it's hard to express. I'll do a timeline.This is based on a typical day/night, some are a little worse, some are a little better.

Wake up: The night before I didn't get a very restful sleep, unless it was drug induced by muscle relaxers or prescription pain-killers. I woke up at least 3 times, getting out of bed every time. I finally drag myself out of bed, with stiffness and pain in my jaw (from clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep) back, neck, elbows, and knees. On top of the stiffness and aching joints, my skin hurts. There are many different kinds of "hurt" and when my skin hurts it burns. My skin sometimes feels like it is on fire, with the lightest brush of my hair or my shirt on my neck or arms. When it isn't burning, it's tender. When someone wants to rub my back, sometimes its nice, but sometimes its completely unbearable because it literally feels like the top layer of my skin has been ripped off and my flesh feels raw.

This brings us to the afternoon: Around lunch, I scavange to find something to munch on, because I can't eat big meals. I eat about 5 or less small meals a day, when I'm not snacking. Some days I just snack all day because if I eat a big meal, I'll throw up. I always have to keep in mind what to order at restaurants, because if it comes back up or goes out the other end, I could really be in for it. Usually, spicy/greasy/acidic foods are a no-go, unless I have taken medicine prior to eating. I have diarrhea at least once every couple of days, sometimes up to 5 times a day. I've recently discovered that sweet tea from the Golden Arches is out of the question, since I get diarrhea following a tall cup of that.

Evening/Night: Probably when I feel the worse, but obviously that's when people are the most active. The evening is when you go on dates, hang out with friends, visit with family, and much more. If I woke up around 8 a.m. I am probably beyond exhausted right now. However, it usually doesn't stop me from going out and about to see people and go places. By now, my skin is very tender, my neck is aching pretty badly, my feet are starting to throb, sometimes my eyesight gets blurry, I have a headache, and I'm just very tired.

As I lay down to go to sleep, I have problems getting comfortable because my skin is hurting and my back and neck ache, so it's hard to get in a good position to sleep. I lay there for a good 20 minutes before I can actually fall asleep... but alas, I'll wake up in about 3 hours to begin the cycle all over again.

Mentally, I go through quite a lot, too. There are sometimes I just forget. I could have a big appointment or maybe a bill, but I will forget. I have lists everywhere. In high school, I forgot my locker combination constantly and I would just "blank" on what class I had next. I try not to let it get to me, and I always try to be positive. When I'm in a lot of pain, I still try to be nice and happy. However, sometimes I just get snappy or whiny. Then sometimes little things will bother me and I'll say something I regret, and later that day I'll apologize like a mad-woman, when it really may not have been a big deal. I always feel bad when I talk to others about my problems, because I feel like I'm putting a burden on them, so I usually just keep it to myself. 

It's hard to explain, and also very hard to understand. There is no blood test, imaging test, or clear-cut test to prove you may have this disorder. Some people don't believe that what I have, Fibromyalgia, is a real disease/disorder/illness/whatever you may call it. I'm living proof that it's real. Treatment for it is (how my rheumatologist described) 1. Good sleep 2. The right medications 3. The right exercise. Obviously if you're worn out and tired, you won't want to exercise. Or if you're exercising, you might not sleep because of the amount of pain you're in. In that order, is the treatment. If you can get good, solid sleep (even if it's helped by medicines) you move on to Step 2. Medciation. Treatment for FM is Cymbalta or Savella. Those two are the only FDA approved medications for Fibromyalgia. After you can get some solid hours of sleep and the right medications to help your daily pain, you move on to exercise. Low-impact exercise is the best. Consider walking, swimming, yoga, Tai-Chi, etc. if you have FM and need to get your daily amounts of exercise in.

Please, for the sake of being my friend or for the sake of others around you who may suffer from Fibromyalgia, read up and educate yourself. That alone will show us you care enough to want to know how we feel.

In closing, I want to say... Just because it looks like someone isn't in pain, doesn't mean they aren't. I've gotten fairly good at hiding my pain, just because I don't want to burden others with my problems. Just because someone doesn't look like they're hurting doesn't mean they aren't suffering inside. This goes for many different illnesses and diseases. You can't see depression, but it's real. Just a few disorders that are "Invisible Illnesses" are depression, Fibromyalgia, arthritis, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (my best friend has this and I will post a link to educate yourself about that, as well), Lupus, dementia, heart disease, and even cancer. Please educate yourself and others on Invisible Illnesses!

Fibromyalgia

http://voices.yahoo.com/understanding-fibromyalgia-if-friend-or-159211.html?cat=70

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

http://www.ednf.org/

Depression

http://www.pioneerthinking.com/depression.html

Invisible Illnesses

http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/novdec2007p18.shtml

Being Appreciated

I recently posted a status on Facebook about how I feel about stay-at-home mothers and/or housewives. I have a feeling it probably will piss a few people off, but I'm tired of just thinking all of this, so I said it.


Here's my thing: If you are going to be a stay at home mom or a housewife, for that matter, remember that YOU chose that. YOU chose to cook, clean, do laundry, manage the bills, take care of your spouse/child/home, go get the groceries, etc. Some people choose to be teachers, nurses, lawyers, factory workers, and many other jobs. They hardly EVER get a pat on the back for doing their job at work, and why? Because that's. Their. Job. If your job is to be a stay at home mom/wife, then I don't think you should get a pat on the back everyday for doing what you're "job description" says you do. Yes, it's nice every once and awhile to get a simple 'thank you' or maybe some flowers, but think about the job your husband does. Do you thank him everyday for going to work and providing? Most likely not. I understand being a mother is A HUGE JOB, but I'm trying to say that plenty of people have done it before you and you will survive without hearing "good job".


Seriously. How many of you wives out there tell your husband "thank you" when he gets home from work? I know I don't. It's not because I'm selfish or that I don't appreciate him, I just don't think about it. Once in a blue moon, I'll tell him I appreciate him and all he has done for us, but it's not an everyday or every week thing. I appreciate my husband more than anyone in my life for all he has sacrificed (we're moving away from all of our friends and family! Sacrifice! He left for 4 months to go through training hundreds of miles away. Sacrifice! We don't get all the things we want, or all the "cool stuff" our friends have. Sacrifice!) and all he is doing for us and our future children. However, I don't tell him that very often and maybe I should. He chose to go into the Army, and that's that. So if you CHOOSE to be a stay at home mother or a housewife, you should be expected to do all of the normal things that they would do.


It's nice to feel appreciated, yes. Yes, I totally 100% understand that being a mother may possibly be the hardest job in the entire world because you're on duty 24/7. I also understand that I'm NOT a mother, I'm not a stay at home mother, and I honestly don't "understand" how hard it is. But really, I can imagine. You're up all day and all night taking care of a child on top of all the other duties in your home, that wouldn't get done without you. Yes, I get that. But I'm saying if you do that, you shouldn't be whining when your husband doesn't notice that you mopped the kitchen floor. You CHOSE that. You could go back to school, seeing as there is PLENTY of money out there for young mothers, low-income families, etc. You could go get a job outside of the home, if you wanted. Yeah, by getting a job you would have to leave your child in the care of someone else and 1. that is extremely difficult when you're used to spending all the time taking care of them and especially if you have to have control (like me) and 2. it comes at a cost. Day-care can easily be $100/week and if you work a minimum wage job with about 20 hours a week, expect to make right around $100-$150. So really, if it's not plausible for you, then no one is saying you HAVE to. You could also work online, and be able to be with your child, eliminating the cost of child-care, and that would give you some extra money to help out and not have to pay for a day care. Really, it's all a matter of choices.


Also, if you feel under-appreciated and like you aren't getting enough appreciation for all you do in the house/for your spouse, maybe you should talk to them. If you're married, you should be able to tell your spouse your feelings and why you feel that way.


Little did you know while reading this post, I plan to become a stay at home mother/housewife as soon as things settle down for us. So I know what I'm in for and every time I feel "under-appreciated" I will talk to my husband and read this blog to remind myself the reality of the situation.

Always A Few More Tears

One small post before bed..
   If you don't want to hear about me whining, I advise you to skip this entry. Today hasn't been particularly good, but not so bad either. I cried after writing my last entry and then took a nap after I got home from the airport. When I woke up, I went to see my sister-in-law, Megan, for a little while. Seeing her cheered me up a little, but after I left I realized how much I would miss her. I cried when I left her house. Then I dropped off a game Corey rented at the video store, and cried because I knew I would never step foot in there again. After being reluctantly dragged in there every time we were in Connersville, I realized I would miss Corey begging me to rent a game. On my way home I got straightened up and was listening to music. I had it on shuffle and our First Dance song from our wedding came on. Cue waterworks. I got back to my aunt and uncle's, and started to watch the NFL Draft, thinking watching tv would keep my mind off things. Around pick 20, they took a moment to bring out 2 reps from each branch of the Armed Forces and play a patriotic song for those who keep our freedom safe. (I was talking to someone, so I "had to go to the bathroom" and cried a little more) After that I started joking around with my aunt and uncle, so I was feeling a little better. They went outside to smoke, and alas.. Shelby can't catch a break today. They flipped over to show fans, who happened to be soldiers, in Fort Hood, TX watching the Draft.. where Corey is.
   I feel selfish for crying sometimes, because I'm going to be with him soon. I feel greedy for being upset, when I know his whole family is upset from him leaving and won't see him for quite a while. I've been told "don't be upset. It's all right for you to be upset, too." but I feel like I shouldn't be, since I'll see him soon. Soon, being anywhere from 2 weeks from today to a month, maybe more.

Appreciate What You Have

It's quarter 'til 11 and I've been up since 5 for my trek to the Indianapolis airport to drop off Corey. I don't have a lot to say because 1) I'm quite tired and 2) I always get a little upset on the "goodbye" days.
It kills me how there are so many people out there that whine and moan about little stuff like their boyfriend/fiance/husband picking their nose, not clipping their toenails, or leaving dirty dishes lay. To me, none of this matters because I know when any of the following are occurring, he's home. Here with me. Wherever we are. Home. We've all heard the saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone" and it's truer than true. Everyone takes SOMETHING for granted. Whether that something be their parents, clean and running water, clothes on their back, or someone to lean on. One thing that I have never, and honestly will never, take for granted is time spent with my husband. Yeah, there are plenty of times I want to rip out his almost non-existent hair, but I still appreciate him for everything he does and all he has sacrificed to give us a better life. I am thankful each and every day that I have someone I know I can depend on to "be there" for me, even if he's 20 hours away or in the other room. I am thankful for his understanding and caring nature towards me, knowing that I have a lot of health problems going on and can still console me in his own way (since guys aren't particularly good with the whole "consoling a crying girl" thing). I am extremely grateful for his sense of humor, because no matter how upset or in pain I am, he can always pull a little something out of nowhere and have me in tears from laughing. I am thankful that he cares for others. If he has something cool, he'll want to share it with you. If he has extra money, he'll want to buy you food, just because. There's been quite a few people help us out and we both like to give back. We're both grateful for each other for different reasons, and try not to nitpick at little things that don't matter.
   If you're having an argument, just stop. Stop and think: "Will this matter tomorrow? Next week? In a year?" and if the answer is 'no' then let it go. Value the time you have with someone because you aren't promised tomorrow.

Background Check

   As my first post I'll give a brief, but not so brief, description of the past 18 years of my life. When I was little my parents divorced and, like any other child of a separation, my life consisted of two families. One family during the week, another family on every other weekend. Around age six I had quite the "falling out" with my biological dad, who I discovered first-hand was an alcoholic. My mom never forced me to stay home, but also never forced me to go visit him. I slowly grew apart and visited less frequently until I was in the 8th grade. The day before my Spring Dance he called, and I figured I would talk about how I was excited to get all dressed up and blah blah blah. However, he decided that he was calling to say his "goodbye" and that he wouldn't be around much longer. Well after countless hours of me crying, the Sheriff's Dept. finally talked him out of suicide. At this time, the visits halted. I couldn't handle my emotions being thrown around like this when he got into a drunken spat and decided his life of unemployment and alcoholism was too much for him. Things were never really the same and we grew even more apart. This past year, around the time my husband left for the first time (Basic Training) he called me and he said something disrespectful regarding my mother and I let him know how I actually had felt about him for the past 10+ years. In my opinion, he was a dad when it was "convenient"; when I would come over and draw with sidewalk chalk, blow bubbles, eat junk food, and watch tv. School was never really a topic high on his list of things to discuss or anything else serious for that matter. I haven't talked to him since then, and feel no need to if he has no respect for my choices and my family. I am personally convinced I am the person I am today, because of these events. I am strong, but I am weak.

   Next topic: My health. Ever since I was born I never really was "healthy". I always had something going on with my stomach, as long as I can remember. My stomach has been the main focus of my problems but some others were sinus infections, bronchitis, pneumonia, aches and pains, migraines, and just feeling puny. After going to countless specialists I was diagnosed with simply Irritable Bowel Syndrome and "stress". Oh I'm sorry. I don't think 3 year olds are stressed, but whatever you say! I always got the "eat more fiber" speech, and I always thought they could shove that up their perfectly cleansed colons because fiber was not my problem. After about 4 years of countless doctors appointments every month, blaming it on "stress" and I was "depressed", to finally get to the right specialist figuring out I had Fibromyalgia. Not a common thing for my age, but its not technically age-specific. After finding the right doctors, I think I am on the road to a better and healthier life! Still a little work to go, but I'll write about that later.

   At this time last year, I was ending a relationship and finally just trying to focus on my health. No boys, no love, not even much time for my friends. I had been out of school because of all the things going on in my life, health-wise, which eventually lead me to leaving high school for my GED. In the summer I got a job and began working, but one of my friends had recently graduated so we all know that means.... party! A party with people who would influence my life for the rest of forever.

   Today I am married to my best friend and my rock, Corey. He is in the Army, stationed at Fort Hood (he leaves around 9 a.m. tomorrow) and I will soon be joining him to begin this crazy life as an Army Wife.

I will go into a lot more detail with things later on, but tonight I just wanted to get out a little background that no one really has known about until now. Thanks for reading!